Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
that lip filler tho
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing