If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
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Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …