me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
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Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*