Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
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if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Am I having a stroke?
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did