If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
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Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Oh yeah that’s it
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.