Yup.
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Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.