Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
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Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?