IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
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My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
definitely did not do anything wrong
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
my sentiments exactly
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!