Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
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me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
True
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.