the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.