Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
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[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My biological clock is wheezing.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.