me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
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I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
This why you should mind your business
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
The pen is writier than the sword.