You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
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I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I only treason on days ending in y
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*