When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
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Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”