Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
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Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
A little too much information.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.