My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
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[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.