Extremely relatable.
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator