If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
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I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Unimpressed
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.