Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
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just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.