I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
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“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?