Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
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Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Beware of the “party goblin”…
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread