Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
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ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
who wore it better?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.