In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
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KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.