Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Ion see the issue
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering