It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
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My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“and how does that make you feel?”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
What fresh Hell is this?!?
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.