Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
You Might Also Like
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
🛁
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!