“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
ugh not again
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!