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The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Finally, an explanation.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious