“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
You Might Also Like
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.