Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
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roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
me
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.