Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.