15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥