It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
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[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.