[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
worst…sale…ever
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?