“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
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*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
LOOOOOOL
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.