Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
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If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
is this a warning or an offer?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN