Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
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yea so i messed up lol
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
good work, detective
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I had to Stop for this
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.