Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
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This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.