Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
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if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo ingl猫s.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don鈥檛 want those sweetie
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Kevin Hart 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
So sick of all these stupid rules
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.