[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
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me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
S O O N
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.