[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat