[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you