At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
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Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂