It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
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[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.