Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
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Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.