Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
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My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly