Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.