Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
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Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
inventing words: clothing
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.