How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I think about this a lot
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then