Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon